sweet.release.

Yesterday morning, I was given the opportunity to share my testimony of faith at a Women’s Conference in Ocean City, Md. I fretted for months over what I would say, how much of my life I would share with a room full of (mostly) strangers, how my life story would be recieved, what sort of looks I would get, whether or not I would physically/emotionally be able to stand up there and share my life without completely falling apart, if it was what I was supposed to do, what I would wear, whether they would all judge me because of my past, and on and on and on and on. 

I drove myself mad over it. 

I was schedule to speak at 10am Saturday morning, and after hearing what was mostly educational speakers on Friday night, I really started to wonder if what I was planning to say was completely innappropriate and not what was being asked of me at all. I left my notes the same, but decided in my head that I would leave the really ugly portions of my life out of the story. They weren’t ready to hear it, I thought, and I wasn’t ready to share it. 

One woman was scheduled to speak before me and it was listed in the program as an “ice breaker.”

“Perfect,” I thought.

“She’ll start off with something corny and lighthearted and when I speak, it’ll be like a dark cloud came over the room.”

Of course, that isn’t what happened. She began to speak and share parts of her life, and although I don’t feel that it’s appropriate to share what she spoke about, I will say that it was the perfect introduction to what I was about to say and exactly what I needed to hear to find the courage to speak. I’m always amazed at the way God conducts these little orchestras in our lives. 

And so I shared my life story.

Every bit of it.

The good, the bad, the ugly.

Even the really ugly.

And as I was spoke, I thought to myself that God orchestrated that moment for me, to unload some of the burden I’ve been lugging around for so long.

But as I looked around at all of the red, teary eyes in the room, and as they came up to me one after another and thanked me for my honesty and transparency, telling me stories from their lives and stories of their loved ones who were going through some of the same things, I realized that this was His plan all along. 

And it was such a sweet, sweet gift.